“Haz lo que quieres hacer antes que se convierta en lo que te gustaría haber hecho”

So again I’ll say that love is complicated, relationships require a lot of attention and care.I’ve realized that a lot of what goes on in a healthy relationship, you-hopefully- already experienced with your family.

I’m talking about consistent unconditional love.

“How are you feeling about that I thing I know you’ve been really worried about?”

“How does that make you feel?”

“How can I help you?”

It seems simple but without truly experiencing that outside of your romantic relationships, it can be difficult. I am constantly being confronted of how my childhood prepared me emotionally for life and that includes love. I had few healthy functioning examples. A product I’m sure has to do with my parents age. My mom had me at 22. I’m the youngest of 3. Side note; FIRST OF ALL, I CAN’T. I could never imagine myself in that situation. Living that life. Much struggs, such stress. But anyway, it wasn’t the best for me, until she met my stepdad when I was 9. His impact on life has been great.However there’s something to be said about daddy issues, am I rite?! They fuckin suck for one, and for two they don’t go away so easily.

I’m realizing more and more how much I have to unpack to even scratch the surface of my understanding of love. As I was given it, and how I give it and live it, as an adult woman.

I need to go back to where I came from. Back in time, to get to the future I want. No Marty McFly.

I want to talk about letting your guard down, or down another notch, assuming you’re with a partner deserving of that kind of commitment and trust. Which I truly hope we all are.

I want to talk about what love feels like to me and how I myself go about expressing my love.

I want to talk about how you can love someone strongly, but don’t know how to say I love you without giggling.

I want to talk about my understanding of love, growing up. How that groomed me to love.

Sooo, you’re in a good place with a great person. Someone who makes you laugh all day, but is also patient and attentive when things need to be serious. Someone who looks at you with nothing but joy in their eyes.

Someone who holds you close to their heart whenever possible, and appropriate ha! 😉

BUT – there’s always a fuckin BUT- someone like that is what we all are, which is human. Humans are complicated. I’m complicated. And the self-aware can be especially complicated. Which I am. Some people experience anxiety about entering relationships, because they’ve been burned before. I certainly have and do experience an anxiety that lives in the pit of my stomach.

BUT ANYWAAAAY, you get to the moment in time when you decide to “yeah Imma keep them” ,I want to do this, take this step. You’re in love, you’re with someone you can depend on, support and be supported by, everything’s bless.

But -fuck how many buts is that now?- you realize you’ve never given this whole relationship thing a serious go. Maybe because, those other people weren’t meant for you to go there with. In my mind, the universe knew it before I did. As usual. They didn’t deserve to be treated that way or to unleash this level of vulnerability from me. That shit was not meant for them.

And now you’re with someone who is so deserving of experiencing all the layers you have to undress.

But *eye roll* you don’t really know how to do that without feeling extremely vulnerable and paranoid. I’m very much accustomed to being free to do whatever I want, say whatever I want, and not really give a shit if it upsets anyone. Those days are now gone, well not gone gone, but I definitely have to take someone else’s feelings into consideration, if I ever want to be in a relationship. This will be a process. I’m 29, so it’s been a long time of being this way. However it’s never to late to change. To heal. To learn.

So I’m going to document that experience . Here.

To be continued…

I think was about 10 when I started feeling that I was a
“good writer”, I air quote this – not really-because I’m not sure where I got that idea from. I’ve almost always kept journals, throughout my twenty-eight years of life. Mostly to have an outlet where I can be completely honest with myself. Hold myself accountable for things that have happened in my life. Often times, I find myself writing about my relationships with the opposite sex. Super boring and cliche, my journals between the years 2010-2016 were essentially all the same.

 I’ve realized that I focused on everything but myself, who it turns out, I didn’t love very much. Sure, in the basic, vapid way, I did. Or I thought I did . I accepted less than I deserved for years. Let people take advantage of my energy, and worst of all my time. I’ve had so few relationships or situationships,as I refer to them, that don’t embarass me now. And I am not embarrassed by much. 

In the end, my aha moment ,came after two failed attempts at relationships crashed and burned. I became physically ill. My stomach, my literal gut, was reaching out to me, to cut the shit. If I’m completely honest, it was the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. I was so heavy with this anxiety, that made me feel that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t earn it or something. That no one would ever love me, the way I love.

My name is Jo and I am a hopeless romantic. BIG TIME. I can glamorize and over think like it’s my job.This character trait, is partly to blame for my struggles. However that’s not all. There’s so many layers involved in what makes me, me. And now as I’m getting older and hopefully wiser, I want to delve into all that good stuff. I’m still trying to work out who I am, who I want to be. And that starts with another level of honesty and vulnerability that I’ve yet to tap into. So without further ado, I introduce you to my latest venture into authenticity, this blog. I’ve been thinking and pussyfooting around the idea of a blog, real talk, since I started watching Sex and the City, 10 years ago. I recently got the light push, I needed to start, so here I am.