I want to talk about letting your guard down, or down another notch, assuming you’re with a partner deserving of that kind of commitment and trust. Which I truly hope we all are.

I want to talk about what love feels like to me and how I myself go about expressing my love.

I want to talk about how you can love someone strongly, but don’t know how to say I love you without giggling.

I want to talk about my understanding of love, growing up. How that groomed me to love.

Sooo, you’re in a good place with a great person. Someone who makes you laugh all day, but is also patient and attentive when things need to be serious. Someone who looks at you with nothing but joy in their eyes.

Someone who holds you close to their heart whenever possible, and appropriate ha! 😉

BUT – there’s always a fuckin BUT- someone like that is what we all are, which is human. Humans are complicated. I’m complicated. And the self-aware can be especially complicated. Which I am. Some people experience anxiety about entering relationships, because they’ve been burned before. I certainly have and do experience an anxiety that lives in the pit of my stomach.

BUT ANYWAAAAY, you get to the moment in time when you decide to “yeah Imma keep them” ,I want to do this, take this step. You’re in love, you’re with someone you can depend on, support and be supported by, everything’s bless.

But -fuck how many buts is that now?- you realize you’ve never given this whole relationship thing a serious go. Maybe because, those other people weren’t meant for you to go there with. In my mind, the universe knew it before I did. As usual. They didn’t deserve to be treated that way or to unleash this level of vulnerability from me. That shit was not meant for them.

And now you’re with someone who is so deserving of experiencing all the layers you have to undress.

But *eye roll* you don’t really know how to do that without feeling extremely vulnerable and paranoid. I’m very much accustomed to being free to do whatever I want, say whatever I want, and not really give a shit if it upsets anyone. Those days are now gone, well not gone gone, but I definitely have to take someone else’s feelings into consideration, if I ever want to be in a relationship. This will be a process. I’m 29, so it’s been a long time of being this way. However it’s never to late to change. To heal. To learn.

So I’m going to document that experience . Here.

To be continued…